Gripes & Graplings

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Don't Look Down!

According to some scientist or another -- or maybe even several, I'm not sure -- people suffering from depression are more likely to look down whilst walking.

Well quite honestly, is it surprising they're depressed? I'd be bloody depressed, too, if I kept bumping into things because I wasn't looking where I was going, wouldn't you?

Actually I have suffered from depression. Still do if I don't take my 'loony juice', as Richard calls it. It's real name's Fluoxetine, otherwise known as Prozac. I don't think it had anything to do with bumping into things, though. Probably more the fact that I was learning to live with -- still am learning to live with -- my medical situation, being stuck in this poxy little house after being used to having plenty of room, having my freedom removed (evidently I can't move away from this borough as no other health authority is likely to take me because of the cost of my medical needs) and not being particular happy about being in England. A few other things were mixed in for good measure but I don't need to go into them all. One very big one was, and still is, that I'm no longer sure who the hell I am.

I left England when I was 19 and came back as a 36 year old woman. People change a lot during that time, right? Only I came back and found myself confused - almost as though that part of my life hadn't happened because I couldn't relate to the things a 36 year old normally would be able to. I didn't know how the tax system worked, how to claim financial help for my son, or even how to pay my bills (yes, something as simple as that is done differently in Norway). And then there were the friends I'd had when I left. Some were still around and again, I felt confused. They didn't know me, the person I'd grown into. They knew the Sharon that left 18 years earlier and I felt as though I was still expected to be that person. They hadn't changed much -- I suppose because they had the same influences the whole time -- but I had. Did I really fit in? I didn't know. I kept trying but all the while I kept losing more of myself.

My depression, I suppose, was a culmination of all of those things. It isn't something I talk about much - in fact, I don't think I've really spoken about it to anybody. Not even my closest friends really know how I feel. Why? Stop asking such difficult questions!

What's the point in writing this? I DON'T BLOODY WELL KNOW! It all started off with bumping into stuff so blame the scientists! It's gotta be somebody else's fault. Right?

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  • As a Cipralexer, my heart goes out to you. (took me minutes to succumb to that cliche)I am just learning, after three years on drugs - as my son loves to say - the person I am when I am not depressed, but am medicated. I cannot in this small space describe what I mean by depression, and it will be different from your description I am sure. All I do know for sure is, strange though this life is, as unknown to myself as I am, I am, at very least, alive and not desperate to change that state. That has to be something good. Have a good day today Sharon.
    P.S. I have been rodding drains, and nearly lost the rods, but got them back - so today must be a good day for me!

    By Blogger Cherry Rolfe, at 18/5/06 09:52  

  • Your point about not being desparate to change being alive is a very good point, Cherry. I came very close to death and feel incredibly grateful that I was given a second chance, and yet there was still a part of me that kept pushing life away. Confusing to say the least. But y'know, I was once told by a very wise old man that anybody who gets their rods back from the drains is a very lucky person indeed.

    By Anonymous Sharon J, at 18/5/06 14:07  

  • Depression is still a bit of a taboo. Funny though, I always feel better after my drains have been rodded too. x

    PS. What's remote linking? Should I have it? Where does one find it? Will I trip over it if I don't look down?

    By Blogger Cherrypie, at 18/5/06 20:27  

  • Hi Sharon. I'm sorry to hear about your depression. My Mum has struggled with depression all her life and in my youth I was hospitalised by it. When I got better I was so terrified of it ever coming back I was like a man on the run.
    I am still very interested by the whole thing because for me I am still thinking about the kind of chicken/egg situation of the whole thing that happened to me. You know, my depression was triggered by a situation, but then it was cured by chemicals. I still wonder about the difference between an extreme psychological state (caused by thoughts) causing an actual physical illness (cured by chemicals). There is an incredible link between the mind and the body. I think I'll stop here for a minute because I know this whole thing is very sensitive area. I don't want to presume that anyone wants to talk about it?

    By Blogger tom909, at 18/5/06 20:28  

  • Cherrypie, I think it's taken as read that you always feel better for having your drains rodded.

    By Blogger tom909, at 18/5/06 20:32  

  • I personally hate having my drains rodded. It's a messy process I could do without, thank you.

    Tom. As I said, depression isn't something I talk about much although I don't really know why. Afraid of boring people; afraid of not being taken seriously anymore; afraid of being seen as weak - it could be any of those reasons and more as I've never really bothered to analyse it. Maybe I'm frightened of what I might find if I do. But then, as long as I'm getting along ok as I am, why should I? Sometimes I think we can overanalyse things to the point where we spend too much time thinking about them instead of actually doing something. And that doesn't just apply to this, but to most areas of life.

    As for those who can't accept that I've changed, maybe I should just stick two fingers up. Why on earth should I spend time worrying about the reactions of people who, if I hadn't known them since my youth, would probably never have become friends with now because we have so little in common?

    It's a mad, mad world because the people are totally off their rockers.

    By Anonymous Sharon J, at 19/5/06 13:01  

  • Sharon,
    I just had to comment on your post because:

    1) I ALWAYS look down when I walk and I have never suffered from long-term depression. I am, and always have been, a stupidly optimistic person. Maybe there is medication for that? Anyway, the reason I always look down is because I love rocks and wildflowers. I don't mind bumping into things.

    2) I went to 17 different schools from Kindergarten through senior year in high school, so I have felt that feeling of never being able to go home again or feel "at home" again. I returned to my high school town a year after I graduated only to find that I really did not fit in and that the people who had been my friends were still stuck in the same predicaments and issues in their lives...we no longer had anything in common.

    3) Depression and pain are normal things that everyone feels at one point or another in life. If the medication helps, then great!

    Have a wonderful weekend! (I have never had my drains rodded, should I worry?)

    By Blogger Carmenzta, at 19/5/06 15:55  

  • Sharon, do you get paid bars of gold for those ads?

    By Blogger tom909, at 22/5/06 20:59  

  • Tom. I'm on my way to making my first million now!

    By Anonymous Sharon J, at 22/5/06 22:39  

  • Hi Sharon, I'm in the middle of writing up a couple of posts about my own depression, which seems worse around this time of year. Many, many people suffer with this bloody awful disease. I'm glad you talked about it.

    Mine is rooted in the hormones,which went for some kind of wild ride and never came back to normal after my kids were born. I've found out a lot of interesting things about the brain as I've been trying to figure it all out. I'll let you know if I ever get it posted.

    Awfully difficult to do much blogging these days, now that spring has sprung and the yard/job/children/husband/dog keep me busy as hell!

    By Blogger Kyahgirl, at 23/5/06 04:03  

  • Carmenzta. Thanks for commenting. Yes, I agree that depression and pain are things that everyone feels from time to time, but its when those low feelings start to take over your life - when they control everything you do and every choice you make, that's when it becomes a problem. I suppose in the same way as it's natural to bleed when you cut yourself, but if you're a heamophiliac, you bleed unnaturally. Some people are just more predisposed to having a problem with depression.

    My children have been in a similar situation as you (although I think my daughters only attended 10 different schools) and that hasn't affected them either. Maybe it just isn't the same when these things happen when you're younger? I don't know, not having been there myself.

    Kyahgirl. I've heard of people who haven't been able to shake of the so-called 'baby blues' before. I'll look out for your posts.

    I agree about the blogging. Too many other things to do these days.

    By Anonymous Sharon J, at 24/5/06 09:41  

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