Gripes & Graplings

Monday, May 08, 2006

Read This or Something Bad Will Happen!

I mean it. If you don't continue to read this post right to the end without missing a single word, something really awful will happen to you. Within 5 days of skipping this post you'll start scratching your backside and no amount of worm powders will cure it. Your life will be spent squeezing your buttocks together in some vain hope that the itch might just be relieved. But it won't.

So I dare you to try it. Go on... skip to the end and see what happens. You're not superstitious are you? You don't care whether you'll have a lifetime of good luck if you guide at least 5 visitors to this post, and a guaranteed lottery win of at least £50,000 if you bump that up to at least 10 visitors, do you? No, of course not. Because you don’t believe any of that baloney, do you?

For the umpteenth time this year I've received one of those "Send this mail to 10 people within an hour and blah blah blah but break the chain and your grandmother will wet the bed tonight whilst wearing her best wynciette nightie" type emails, and they're all from the same person.

I keep telling her that although some of them contain sweet messages like "25 reasons why men should be eradicated from the planet", I'd rather not receive them. Why? Because I'm bloody superstitious, that's why. And if you admit it, so are you. Because if you weren't, you'd have skipped all this and gone straight to the bottom, just to prove to yourself that you don't give a monkey's armpit about potential embarrassing itches or £50,000. Wouldn't you? Eh?

I don't like to see myself as a superstitious person - in fact if people ask, I always say I'm not, but if the truth be known, whenever I get to the end of a humorous email only to discover that my toe-nails are going to rot if I don't forward it to at least 10 people, a nasty shiver goes up my spine. I mean, what if it really does happen? How can you be sure it isn't possible? Strange things are happening all the time after all, and if anybody can bring themselves to have an affair with John Prescott, then surely there must be people out there who are able to send curses via email?

Please... if you're ever considering sending me one of those emails, stop a moment and consider just what kind of dreadful situation you're putting me in. I don't know 10 people I can send the damned thing to so you're dooming me to a life of pus-filled spots, constipation, unpaid bills and loneliness. Do you really hate me that much?


Chain Mail


  • Hey, I've never forwarded one of those things, and look how kindly fate has shone on me.

    By Blogger Vicus Scurra, at 8/5/06 22:05  

  • I had one that held the high authority of the Dalai Lama - who I know is very keen on chain letters and such like - very spiritual. Anyway, foolishly I binned it instead of sending it on to you. Now my hair is green.

    By Blogger Cherry Rolfe, at 9/5/06 11:17  

  • Vicus. If the hair is anything to go by, I'd suggest you reconsider that last statement.

    Cherry. For binning the letter, I think you from the cockles of my heart.

    By Anonymous Sharon J, at 9/5/06 11:54  

  • THINK? What the hell am I on? THANK!!!

    (It's the Dalai bloody Lama who's stressed me out!)

    By Anonymous Sharon J, at 9/5/06 11:55  

  • I have read your post thoroughly, all the way to the end, and I claim my £50,000. Please send it in used fivers: we need to keep the taxman out of this.

    Nice new pic, by the way...

    By Blogger Mark Gamon, at 9/5/06 12:53  

  • She only sends the buggers to me, doesn't she. She knows I never forward them on either. So PMT is my fault. Knew it was.

    By Anonymous Richard, at 9/5/06 14:15  

  • Thank you, Mark. That was very kind of you to say so. The picture that is, not the fact that I can now forward £50,000 to you. Look out for the postman over the next few days.

    Richard, if you haven't learned by now that you're to blame for absolutely everything that goes wrong in this house, then your skull is sadly lacking in content.

    ohrbazay - a place where ladies of the night go to buy exotic wares

    By Anonymous Sharon J, at 9/5/06 19:26  

  • I have given literally millions of dollars to Nigerian princess's over the years and now you are sowing seeds of doubt in my mind. It's just so cruel!

    By Blogger tom909, at 9/5/06 22:29  

  • I'm sorry, Tom. If I'd have known I would never have brought the subject up. If only I could go back and erase the whole thing from time, you'd still be happy up there on the moor, thinking you've been kind-hearted by sending your millions to those poor, destitute princesses.

    On the other hand, if you're looking for a worthy charity, there's one in Crewe that helps newly engaged couples buy big houses in the North Wales area. I could always give you their details.

    idswjop - A place where people swap identities.

    By Anonymous Sharon J, at 10/5/06 17:51  

  • I hate those things. The threatening part at the end just makes me want to scream. I've gotten almost everyone to stop sending me those stupid message except one old friend from school. and she keeps sending me ones about God too, knowing full well I'm the most godless person ever. aRGH. why?

    By Blogger Kyahgirl, at 10/5/06 22:54  

  • I too am filled with dread when I receive those awful things, maybe we could form a blog ring dedicated to receiving them - a Room 101 - where they could all be buried forever

    By Blogger Cherrypie, at 12/5/06 21:10  

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